I thought I had it all figured out. Juniper and Kimbal had been working well for months: sharing food, sharing toys, holding hands, but all of a sudden, something has changed. Juniper is acting out -- throwing things, yelling, kicking, screaming. It's the rivalry -- the sibling rivalry. And somehow, I need to help Juniper and Kimbal thrive together.
Juniper has been acting out -- a lot. What do you do when your kids act out?
If you have siblings, what do you do when one wants more attention? What do you do when one feels jealous that you've been giving the other too much time?
Naturally, when Juniper complains, screams, cries, I want to just ignore her because I don't want to reinforce the behavior. If I give her attention when she's complaining, then she's just going to do it more often. But in actuality, I need to give her more attention.
In this episode, we talk about the rivalry developing between Juniper and Kimbal and work on methods to make rivals into friends.
Question? Hit me up on Twitter: @junloayza
Hey, everyone. Guess who's back, man. It feels fantastic to be back. It's been a while. I've been working a lot on myself, a lot on my parenting, focusing on the children, trying to improve my communication. There's so much, I've been trying to work on myself and the family. And I think it's just going to make these podcasts.
Even better and I'm going to be able to communicate freely. Unadulterated and able to give you the best advice possible. And man, tonight I have something. That was really tough. Juniper has been acting out and acting out like crazy. The crazy thing is. Over the course of the last few months. I feel that Juniper Kimball, Kim and I had got into a good groove. They were able to work really well together. They were sharing. They were really doing well as sisters, Juniper and Kimball. As a reminder, Juniper is now four and Kimball is turning two this month.
So I thought we had it all figured out. I thought I had become the perfect parent and man I'm really figured out there's really no such thing. And I'm really feeling it, especially tonight. So what happened? So Juniper she's been acting out. Let me take you through some of the things that just happened today. I made a quick list because I thought there was just so much to go through. I wanted to make sure that I was able to communicate everything.
So we got to school. And she wanted me to carry her. And you know what I told her, Jennifer, let's go pick up Kimball. Why don't you walk? And then she starts complaining. Walk in all my gosh, she blew up and I just couldn't take you. I get so frustrated sometimes. So I just took a deep breath and instead of really engaging with her, I let Kim, my wife handle that. I went to go pick up Kimball.
Then later we get home and she wants to watch a movie and you know, it's not moving now. We don't watch TV every single night, but she wants to watch a movie and she starts getting angry. I want to watch a movie. And I let her know, you know, we don't watch movies on Thursday nights. We watch it on Friday nights.
And she's like, I want it to be Friday right now. Angry. Then we get to dinner and she wants me to feed her at dinner. She's a big girl. She can feed herself Juniper. You're a big girl. You can feed yourself. I don't want to. And this, she dives under the table hides under there and doesn't want to talk to me.
Then. During dinner. She wants to sit on my lap. I can't eat in peace. Then she's sitting down next to Kimball and their breeding chair with their reading table and she doesn't want to sit next to Kimball. So she's pushing her over Juniper. The reading table is for you and for Kimball. Do you think you guys can work together?
I don't want him to play. My goodness. Then she throws her books in the table. She's been crying. All night, even when Kimble touches her. Lotion bottle. She's like, I don't want Kimble to touch my lotion bottle. I think you're seeing a pattern here. Why is causing Juniper. To act out so much. What is causing her to just be angry and lose her. Cool and flip her lid so often.
Are you seeing this with your kids? Are you seeing this with your siblings? That's the big hint. It's the sibling. It's the sibling rivalry. Now that Kimball is two or almost two. Kimball is starting to communicate with her words, with her actions. She wants to do everything big sister wants to do.
And for us, it's endearing. For us, it should be an honor. Juniper. You should be honored. That Kimball wants to do everything with you. But that's not how the older sister sees it. The older sister sees it as competition. The older sister sees that every time we spend time with Kimball, we spend less time with Juniper.
And it's a tough challenge because I want to spend that time with Kimball when Juniper was Kimball's H at two, up to two and a half. Of course, when Kimball was born. I spent all my time with Juniper. I read her stories. I told her stories. I took her places. This was pre COVID times. We can go to the library, we can go anywhere. We had such an amazing time together. And I really it's really sad to me that I'm missing out on many of those things with Kimball.
And now that I want to spend more time with Kimball. Juniper is acting out. That's the thing. I'm spending more time or trying to put more of my attention into Kimball and Juniper feels in an ax out. And what am I supposed to do? It's tough. What would you do? What do you do when your siblings have this rivalry or developing this rivalry?
I can tell you naturally, what I want to do is I want to focus my time on Kimball and I don't want to award Juniper for acting out. I don't want to give her attention. Doesn't that make sense? Because if you start or I start giving Juniper attention. When she's acting out when she's whining, when she's complaining, when she's crying, when she's throwing books.
Ah, If I give her that attention, then I'm just reinforcing our Thai. I'm just reinforcing this habit. And this is going to do it more and more and more. But the crazy thing is the crazy thing is the solution. The solution is really to give Juniper that time. And that love. And that freedom to express herself.
So it all culminated tonight. I wanted to read stories with Juniper and Kimball and Juniper didn't want to read a story with Kimball. She was kicking, she was complaining so much that Kimball was fed up. She's like, you know what? I just want to go to sleep. Mommy, take me to bed. So Kimball goes to bed with mommy.
We also immunoscience. How would you act. Man, I can tell you for me, I was angry inside. I just wanted a yell. I want her to put Juniper in her place, me as the authority figure. I want her to let her know you can't act that way. Look, what you did. You sent Kimball sadly to bed without a story. I want her to say that.
I really did. But I took my deep breaths. I took my deep breaths.
And I looked at Juniper. Still crying, still red in the eyes. And I let her know Juniper. I'm really sad. And I that's all I said.
And it's crazy because by not acting out and expressing the anger onto Juniper and making her feel more angry because now. I'm angry at her for being mad at Kimball. And it's just a circle. Instead of gave Juniper time to breathe. And settled down. It's pretty amazing. And she asked me. Why are you angry or sorry?
Why are you sad puppy? 'cause I told her I was . I was sad.
Well, I looked at her and I let her know. Well, Juniper, I'm really sad because you've been acting out. You've been kicking and you've been screaming. You've been throwing books. And you've been crying. Y. Now that was the key. I asked her why I asked her and gave her space. To explain herself. She pauses thinks about it.
And she tells me so honestly. And so sweetly. Poppy. No I'm angry at Kimball because she doesn't share. She takes all my things. And that's really her way of saying she's taking all the attention. And of course it's not all the attention. But it feels that way to her. That we're taking time or that Kimball is taking time away from Juniper.
I thank Juniper for talking to me and being honest. We take our deep breaths. And I just let her know. It makes me sad. When you kick Kimball. When you don't share the reading table. When you don't share the lotion. But it can be frustrating because Kimball takes up our time as well. And I sit down and I explain this to our four year old.
She listens. And then we read our story. And then again, I tell her Juniper I'm sad.
Because you and Kimball had been fighting a lot and it really makes me sad. I explained to her. That I'm an older brother. That I have a younger brother. Teal. Jay is my younger brother and I asked her. Who takes care of DOJ or who needs to look after him? And she says.
You do poppy. I'm like that's right. And I'll even tell her that this is a direct parallel to her and Kimball. I let her just think about it.
And I tell her that the big ones, the big brother, the big sister, or the older kids in class. They have that honor and that responsibility. To take care of the younger ones. She thinks about it. He thinks about it some more. And then I tell her. Why do you think. Why do you think that Kimball takes your lotion?
Or why do you think that when you're reading Kimball sits down and wants to read with you? Or what do you think when you're sitting on my lap, Kimball comes and wants to sit on my lap too. She thinks about it. I don't know. And I let her know. It's because she loves you. It's because she wants to be like you, she looks up to you because you're her older sister.
I should thinks about it. And then she drifts off to sleep. And then I got up and I decided it's time to make the podcast. It's time to share everything. Because it's tough. That's what I want to share with you guys. Dad's mom's everyone listening to this. Parenting is insanity. Because you love them so much.
And then there are these. Boxes that are waiting to be filled, waiting to be taught. And every kid is different. They're going to learn. On different steps of the way you gotta have to be repetitive. You're going to have to be patient. You're going to have to have loving energy. Because at the end of the day,
These kids depend on us and in the same way that I need. Juniper to be patient with Kimball because she's the older sister and she needs to teach her everything. I have to be patient with Juniper. Because she's only four. And when she's throwing these tantrums, she's having these meltdowns when she can't take it, that Kimball is on my lap or that I'm carrying Kimball.
And I really just want to tell her Juniper, I just carried you for a whole five. 10 minutes. I think carrying you in dancing with you to the song it's Kimball's time. Or it's Kimball's turn. And she starts crying as much as I want to yell. No, we can't. 'cause yelling is just going to exacerbate the situation.
Best thing to do in the ideal world is to calm down with them, hold them, explain to them. And I'm telling you, um, I don't get in that. Position or in that mindset immediately, it takes me time. Sometimes I have to walk away. And sometimes that's better. I know they're crying and in. And the ideal world, you hug them and hold them, tell them it's going to be okay.
But that's not how I work. I get angry too. My emotions get high. And it's okay. It's okay to walk away. And take your deep breaths. And then settle down and then make the best effort to explain to them the why. Okay. It's going along now. I wanted to make this short it's now over 10 minutes. Next time. I'm going to try to make this under 10 minutes.
But I feel really good. I feel like this was a great lesson that I wanted to share with you. These are going to be quick, come hoping to make these every weeknight, at least. So, excuse me, there's not going to be any music or high production at the moment until I can find some time to get that in there, but I'm trying to get the lessons out. There's so many things that I want to share with you.
So as always hit me up on Twitter at June Luisa. And that's the best way to reach me. So let's do this together. Let's, let's keep growing and learning and becoming better parents. Thank you so much.