Juniper won't stop sucking her fingers -- and they're getting very irritated. I try to use sticks, "stop sucking your fingers or else!" or carrots, "stop sucking your fingers and you'll get to watch TV," but nothing is working as a permanent solution. What do you do when your child won't listen do you? It's time for some storytelling, but nothing like you've ever heard before.
I've been hesitant to record this episode, but it's time to do it. I believe this is how I can add unique value to parents. It's time to teach you the way that I do storytelling in our household.
And this story is nothing like you've heard in the past. In this story, there is a girl that lives in San Francisco. And she keeps sucking her fingers, against her father's warnings.
And then one morning, she wakes up, and all of her fingers are gone!
Hello, mamas and Papas. My name is Jun Loayza, and this is dad smarter, not harder to show for loving parents looking to do better. One step at a time. As a reminder, I live in San Francisco with my wife and two daughters, Juniper, who is four and Kimball, who is two. And I've been really, really hesitant to do this episode.
Because what I've been thinking about is how can I add value into parents' lives? Into your life. What is it that I can do differently? And teach so that it'll help you immediately tangibly from the moment you hear it.
And the thing I keep going back to is the concept of rules and how we as parents are so locked into this mindset of making rules for children in order for the family to function.
So for example, The most common one that I hear is no dessert before dinner. You do it, I've done it. We all try to make this rule and it makes sense to us because we know it's important for children to eat their food, eat their vegetables, eat their dinner. And then as a treat at the end, if they're successful in doing it, they can eat their dessert.
But what I'm trying to tell you what this episode and a future episodes. Is that this rulemaking. This policing is actually counter-intuitive into what we're trying to do. Because the success of a parent, the ultimate success of a parent is that we are no longer needed, that the children are independent and they're able to thrive on their own.
And this policing or this rulemaking is actually counterproductive. It's not accomplishing what we want to do, because if we're creating these rules, then ultimately we have to be the police or the rule enforcers. So ultimately in the case of eating dessert before dinner, If we're not there to enforce the rules, then they're going to eat the dessert first.
You see what I'm saying? If we're not there to enforce it, they're going to do it anyways. And so it doesn't accomplish the ultimate goal. So then it comes back to this. How can we create this intrinsic motivation so that even when we're not there, the children are going to eat their dinner first, or even not even eat their dinner first, who cares in what order it is, as long as they're getting their intake of dinner of vegetables.
Of good vitamins and minerals, then that's okay. If they eat their dessert first. Right because we just want them to eat healthy and it doesn't matter which order it comes in. Okay. So here it comes. This is what I believe is the value that I can add. And it's also what I've been very hesitant to share with you.
What's worked for me and what's worked for my children. Is storytelling. Instead of making rules instead of telling them what to do or policing. What has worked more than anything is storytelling. And you may be thinking. That doesn't seem that crazy. Like why were you so hesitant to tell us this?
Well, it's the type of storytelling that I do. And the best example I can give this right now is a story. Juniper. When she was about three, three and a half. She started sucking on her fingers all the time and they were getting irritated and I didn't like this.
Naturally what comes to my mind or what came to my mind at first was. Juniper. Get your fingers out of your mouth. You know, just acting annoyed because if I tell her strongly, then she'll take it out of her mouth and she did immediately. She'll take it out. Look at me. But then as soon as I'm not looking fingers go back in her mouth. And of course, when I'm not there and she's a school, this is happening again.
And this was happening constantly. And I was getting irritated because she wasn't listening to the rule I had made. Don't put your fingers in your mouth. So now I'm irritated and annoyed because she's going against my commands and her fingers are starting to get irritated, which irks me even more. I don't want her to be hurt.
So then I tell her to scare her. Juniper. If you don't take your fingers out of your mouth, I'm going to put crema. I want to put cream on your hands or in your fingers if you put it. No, I don't want it please. Don't put it please. Don't okay. Don't put your fingers in your mouth. Okay. And at first it worked because of the fear. She was afraid that would have put this cream on her fingers.
But of course, a week later. Fingers back in the mouth. And then when she started doing so I would tell her, Jennifer, your fingers. And she would say, poppy. Don't look at me. And I would turn around. Or close my eyes. And of course she would put her fingers in her mouth. And then when I was putting her down to sleep at night,
I can hear sucking her fingers and I will say Juniper. Don't put your fingers in your mouth, going to put a cream on there. Poppy. Don't look at me and then she would turn around. So, you know, not facing me, she would look in the other direction. She would put her fingers in her mouth and my God, I would get so angry, but I'll just let her do it. I didn't want to just blow up.
It wouldn't be productive. Okay. So that's the setting. What do you do in this situation? Do you punish? Do you take away things, do you threaten. Right. There's carrots and sticks. You can say Juniper. The carrot Juniper. If you don't put your fingers in your mouth, then you'll get chocolate tonight. Ooh, nice.
But then what do you accomplish? If you don't provide the chocolate every night. Fingers are going back in the mouth. Or you can use the stick. You can punish them Juniper, go on timeout or Juniper. I'm going to take away your things. No TV tonight. You know, now they're mad at you. They're not learning a lesson. They're just mad at you.
They're just mad at you for taking something away from those. So they're not learning their lesson. Okay. So now let's get to the storytelling. Something that has worked for me, something that has worked for my kids. One night instead of blowing up over the finger sucking. Making it a big deal. I didn't say anything to her, but I told her a story. This was a story I told her.
Juniper. Have I told you the story of the girl who sucked her fingers? No poppy, tell me. Okay. Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in San Francisco. What was her name? Um, her name was Samantha. Okay. Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in San Francisco and her name was Samantha.
And she'd loved sucking her fingers. She would suck them every morning, every afternoon. Every evening. Before eating, after eating at school and her poppy. Uh, her poppy would tell her. Samantha. If you keep sucking your fingers. Your fingers are going to fall off. They're going to get so irritated. They're going to fall off.
Juniper just stared at me. She was so into the story. And then what happened puppy? Well, Samantha didn't pay attention. And she kept sucking her fingers and then they started to turn red and started to get irritated. And then she fell asleep. And the next night. She woke up. And she had lost all our fingers. No puppy. She lost all her fingers. What did they do? Well, they had to go to the doctor.
Bring the fingers over to the doctor and luckily through surgery and through taking medicine. She was able to put her fingers back together. And from that day forward, Samantha knew that if she sucked her fingers, they would fall off. So, what do you think Samantha did from that day forward? She didn't put her fingers in her mouth puppy. That's right.
And then I paused. Let Juniper really think about it.
And I heard her say she looked in her hands. My fingers are red. Oh, no. Yeah, we've got to be careful. We don't want your fingers to fall off like Samantha here. Right? Puppy. Thank you. And that was it. From that day forward, I kid you not after that story. Juniper has never sucked her fingers. Again, I kid you not.
So why was I hesitant to tell you the story? I've told several of my friends about this in the past and all of them look at me like, I'm crazy. Like what? You're scaring your child like that. Isn't it going to give her nightmares? Isn't it going to backfire when her fingers don't fall off?
So I understand the hesitation, but a few things. Number one. The normal way that we do this with sticks, with punishment, with yelling or taking away things. It's the same thing. You're scaring them. You're taking things away and they're going to resent you and they're angry at you.
Number two. Aren't you afraid that she'll continue doing it. And then it's the next day? She'll her fingers will still all be there. So then she'll think you're a liar.
I don't think it's a big risk. I have told many of these types of stories
and never has my bluff being called
because even if she doesn't pay attention to me in that moment, that lesson is being learned. And. Even though she's immersed in it and she paid attention to that story and stop sucking her fingers. I don't believe that she truly thinks her fingers are going to fall off. I think she just likes to pretend and be a part of this fantasy world, as you'll see, is a common theme in all these fantasy stories with lessons, these fables that I tell her.
So. I got to tell you. It's so much better to go this route. One you captivate their attention. They're immersed in this story and they listened to every word that you're telling so that they learned that lesson too. It's not about them. So they're not feeling defensive and it's not about you. So they're not angry at you.
It's about a completely different person. And what happened to them
when they didn't pay attention or they were doing something that was harmful. And number three, it's up to the child to learn that lesson, internalize it, and then take action on it. So I didn't tell Juniper, stop putting your fingers in your mouth. She learned a lesson, looked at her fingers and on her own, she made that decision.
And that's ultimately what we're trying to get to that intrinsic motivation, because even if I'm not there. For example at school, or for example, when she's going to bed. We're even going to the bathroom, whatever it may be. She's no longer putting her fingers in her mouth because she has learned that lesson. And it's not because I'm watching her or it's not because I told her.
Because she herself, she knows. That it's bad to put, to consistently put your fingers in your mouth. Ma'am that's it. That's what I wanted to tell you. And I think. These types of stories. Is what is going to be most valuable as I continue communicating. And sharing my learnings. So, if you have any questions, please hit me up on Twitter @junloayza.
And I look forward to continuing to grow alongside with you and becoming better parents. Thank you.